Tough Relationship with Mom


Hello! This is my first time using the “Ask a Coach” feature, thanks for having this available.

I am going to cut and paste my thought download and model I did today regarding my relationship with my mom
I would like if you could point me to one area in the study vault to work on after reading this (this is the first time I’ve really started on doing a model about a relationship)
I would like help with getting curious about my model

Thought Download
By default I tense up when my mom calls or I talk to my mom
I have poor body language on facetime- don’t engage in conversation, don’t make eye contact
The relationship I want with my mom is different from what she wants
I’m annoyed by the gifts she is sending the kids when we don’t have the space and I’m trying to declutter
she never wants to get off the phone, she drags it on forever
I do need to organize something with her over the holidays
she is going to want more time than I want
Would better communication help this- that is in my control
having the same conversation over and over again is annoying
we probably have repeated conversations because I don’t engage and she dominates the call
she generally doesn’t ask me questions and when she does it’s general and I don’t give a long response
I can spend some time asking questions about her and actually listen
We’ve had some challenging christmases together
Every year is the same- we schedule time, she starts asking questions about our exact schedule, she isn’t happy with the time we do spend with her
I want to set boundaries

The Model
C- Mom calls
T- I don’t feel like talking
F- dread
A- don’t make eye contact, don’t communicate my needs, don’t show up to the call, put the phone in front of my daughter for her to talk, start doing something else, do not set a good example for my daughter how to have a conversation
R- continued poor relationship with my mom

I tend to always want to jump from the unintentional model to the intention model. But know since the past is long and feelings seem deep, I really need to get curious about this so I can authentically try to make changes.

Some questions I thought about are:

  • Why don’t I feel like talking? I think it’s going to take a long time, I can’t get off the phone with her, I don’t think we have much in common, I don’t find the conversations interesting, She doesn’t ask questions
  • Why am I showing up disengaged?
  • What would happen if I was more active in the conversation?
  • When have I wanted to talk more to her?