I was working with one of my reports (who is a woman) about how a coworker was talking down to her in a very condescending tone, but as soon as a male colleague stepped in and repeated her question the coworker’s tone, physical movements, and answer changed completely to be more open, collaborative, and kind.

I felt a wave of anger rise up in me as she was telling me this and I went into protector mode instinctively. I rode it out internally, and I coached her on how he gets to show up however he wants to and she gets to choose how she feels and what she lets his tone and demeanor mean. This hits really close to me personally and it felt icky as we talked through how to view his actions as neutral and approach him with compassion and still speak and present ourselves in a way we want to and do our jobs. It felt like putting more emotional burden on her, it seems so unfair and really makes me want to flip a table that he treated her that way. It’s also showing me I have a lot of work to do around my thoughts on “toxic masculinity” in the workplace. Am I thinking about this right?