Today I gave myself time to look at older podcasts that had struck my interest. I happen to view #75 due to an event at work last week, where I let someone’s poor behavior be an excuse for my poor reaction. It is not going to be easy to always remember /be present in the moment after so many years of allowing others so much power. This was a very meaningful podcast for me, there are family members in my life that I have chose over the years to not have a lot of contact with. One being my mother. I started to write a history, but it really makes no difference, right?!
I am looking at the here and now. At this stage of my mothers life, 72 she wants to be close friends following years of not taking much interest in our relationship, which following years/events of my feeling emotionally hurt by her I did not have a problem with and kept her at a safe emotional distance. I have given repair work with her a try, we do not seem to be able to come to middle ground, both of our emotions got in the way.
I do allow myself to examine and be with the thoughts and feelings I have about her. I have become self aware enough to know that my eating issues started at a young age, when It would have been great to have a life coach!!!, but I didn’t. I no longer use my relationship/feeling surrounding my mother to overeat but have transferred that to other thoughts/feelings.
Well or so I had thought, this podcast, was prehaps the light bulb moment for me (and most likely one of many to come) that the problem I am having continues to be that I am giving people, no matter who they are great power over me (my thoughts and feelings) and allowing myself to have bad behavior, poor reactions, and overeat because I haven’t taken accountability for how I let them effect me and how I feel about myself.
So I need to work on a model for changing this.
C: Others behaviors/actions
T: I am not good enough, what did I do, they don’t love/like me, I am not worthy, I don’t know anything
F: Guilt, anger, hurt, doubt, fear
A: Behave badly, overeat
R: Depression, overweight
C: Others (mother, co-worker, husband) behaviors/actions
T: I am not going to have negative thoughts about myself based on others actions/behaviors
F: Confident in myself.
A: Don’t follow urge to behave badly or overeat
R: Allow the feelings.