Toxic Shame


I am on the journey of healing from toxic shame. I have a pattern of beating myself up and putting myself in a state of fight or flight. I am learning to find healthier ways of soothing and relaxing myself, but my go-to method is to overeat. I have a 14-year-old daughter and I am very open with her about the journey I am on and am very conscious to do my best not to pass this shame to her. Today she saw me in the kitchen overeating and asked me to pause, take deep breaths and sip water. Then she sat there and questioned me to tell her how a small bite tasted. She asked for me to describe it. She repeated this process and it brought tears to my eyes. I told her I love you and I am not used to being loved like this by other people. Thank you. But now I am scared. Did my vulnerability create a situation where my child is feeling she has to parent me?

C: Daughter said mom pause, take sip water and eat small bites and describe to me
T: I am passing shame on to her by having her parent me
F: Shame
A: I beat myself up that I am being too vulnerable in front of her and this will lead to her carrying shame into her adult life. I think I have ruined her life. I become scared and put myself in a more fight and flight state
R: I am creating shame by not parenting myself

Any guidance is appreciated