Transformative Coaching Inside Out paradigm


Hi Brooke. I have just (1 hour ago) had a follow up getting to know you session with a transformation coach who has trained in working with the Inside Out paradigm of teachings from Sydney Banks. We previously spoke a lot about mind, consciousness and thought, and the teachings of subtractive psychology. This session was to talk about the way she works and how she might be able to help me with my ongoing health issues. The conversation was very difficult from the outset and I felt a bit uncomfortable and not accepted throughout it. This coach speaks extremely slowly and deliberately, and I speak, think and write very quickly. Initially it appeared to me that she insisted, rather than asked, that I slow down my speaking and explained how she spoke so much more slowly now as she is so present in the moment. She questioned why I speak so quickly and linked it to a busy mind always racing ahead and not in the moment. (I agreed with her). But I immediately began to feel some tension between us because I started to have negative thoughts about her perception of me which included “she is not willing to accept me for who I am”, and “actually I find the very deliberately slow speed of your delivery a bit frustrating”, and this led to the feeling of being very irritated. I also said to her that I think some people think and speak at varying speeds because we are all different, I was aware that I was defending myself here and looking for acceptance. She then talked about how all of our life experience is created by thought in the moment. I said “I know” to affirm that I had heard her and that the teachings are not new to me, and I told her I was on a self coaching programme which is all about how our circumstances are neutral and our thoughts about them create our feelings. She then gave me a long lecture which started with saying – you still don’t get it! People who say they know are closed off to fully learning and being in the moment, caught up in the ego, not open to insight and changes in thinking, and that she didn’t even really know after 5 years of intensive training, and often it was easier to work with people who had no prior knowledge or learning as they were more present in the moment with the teachings. I had the thought this is all very patronising I feel very criticised here and I felt a little bit angry. I said you are misinterpreting my use of the phrase I know, I was validating that I had heard you, and that this is not brand new teaching to me, I have been reading, researching and exploring the metaphysical for almost 30 years nows, and I know I have a very busy mind and messy thinking and need to find a quiet space within me and that my healing will come from this, I am very interested in what you are saying, and I know that metaphysically and spiritually speaking I do not know much at all, and have much to learn, especially from within insightfully rather than intellectually. She then said to me, look I just can’t find a road in with you, I’m not feeling it, this isn’t going to work, in 10 years of coaching I have never had to say this before but I really don’t think we can work together, and you are the first person I have ever said that too. I am not an accountability coach, I don’t work that way, and I just can’t find a way in with you. I had the same feeling very quickly into the start of our conversation, it had felt like there was tension between us from the outset, and I also had the thought that I don’t like her manner today, I don’t know if I can work with her. But I still felt angry, and a bit rejected. I think it was partly because even though she said its me not you, (and I wanted to say yes I know that) she felt the need to inform me that she had not felt this way about a client before, so clearly it was specifically about the rapport between us and not just about her and that would have been a more honest statement. So immediately my model after the call was:
C-Coach says I don’t want to work with you
T- She can’t accept me for who I am
F-irritated
A- (I don’t know what to put here, I was just walking around my house thinking about it)
R- I don’t work with that coach
There were other models here too around feeling angry/rejected/insulted.
I then started re-modelling it in my head:
C-Coach says I don’t want to work with you.
T- We are obviously not a good fit and this is not the right path for me.
F-Acceptance
A- ? I don’t know what to put here, as I am not doing or planning on doing anything.
R- I don’t work with this coach.
! Have I got these models correct? This is really big for me, normally I would stew in conflicting emotion about something like this with racing negative thoughts for hours, but I already feel ok about it, but am confused as I cannot seem to complete the models! Be interested to hear your thoughts on subtractive psychology too!