I had a wonderful private coaching call where the coach helped me understand that my real work is moving from the role I played as a mother when my daughter was younger to a coach advisor role now that she is 18 and has completed her freshman year in college. I can see how one of my beliefs that I should be able to fix her pain or protect her from it is not serving me or her. Another belief is that she is a victim due to her health circumstances which is taking away her accountability for her actions if she doesn’t reach her goals. My brain sees truth in this because her grades, friendships, health and basic functioning was severely affected by this at her freshman year in college. (I see that this is a thought too but there is specific facts in grades, friendships, 4 sinus infections, etc to back this up).
So, doing a UM and intentional model here:
UM
C – Daughter has anxiety with severe OCD tendencies – professional diagnosis.
T – life is harder for her than others and is not fair
F- Protective
A – stand up for her in her arguments with her sister when I think sister is putting her down, believe OCD is the reason she can’t met her goals, buffer with food because I can’t make it better. Don’t have her take responsibility for her results.
R – makes me think she is a victim and I treat her that way.
I realize that “protective” may not be the best word but that was the best thing I could come up with when mad, sad, fear, didn’t seem to fit.
IM
C- Daughter has anxiety with severe OCD tendencies – professional diagnosis
T – life is not fair, it is what it is ( intellectually believe that thought but my brain is saying but but ….)
F –
The coach wisely said that this is where my work will be. Intellectually this makes sense to me but I find it so easy to fall back into the protector mothering role without even realizing it until after I have said something to her or thought something.
Do you have any suggestions how I can actively practice moving from my current mama bear mothering role to a coach/advisor role? Or is it just a matter of writing out unintentional models and intentional models. Any content on this in Scholars? I am already working in Relationships section now.
