I had been doing really well on my protocol, was down about 10 pounds and feeling amazing. Two weeks ago, I had to go on a trip for work to give a talk that I had some anxiety about, but was also excited about. The night before, I had plans to eat a small salad for dinner. I changed my protocol in the moment and had a steak and vegetables. The story I told myself was that this was fine because it wasn’t sugar or flour. The next day (day of my talk), I was doing great and then my brain started thinking about how protein was very good so I had some of the sausage and scrambled eggs they served. Then I went into “omg, I am totally screwing up” thinking…and proceeded to eat sugar and flour for the rest of the day, to the point of feeling somewhat sick on the plane.
Since then, I have gained back about 4 pounds and have struggled to stay on my protocol for even one day. I am also struggling with the idea that I love my body now and have a preference for it to be 30 pounds thinner, then my brain says to ignore the outside world that tells you smaller is better, then I binge on sugar and feel horrible. I also have a voice that says “nobody does this perfectly” and that seems to invite overeating for me, as I am just being “not perfect” when I break my commitment to my protocol. I am only breaking my commitment to myself and I am feeling very defeated.
There are a lot of things that I’ve noticed that are positive changes to my thinking, such as feeling proud of myself for other things (something I basically wouldn’t allow before). I am also beating myself up for this less than usual and have been back on track with my protocol today. I am finding, though, that when life is completely predictable, at home, going to work, no eating with friends, it works great, but when I throw in things like traveling or dinner with others, I struggle to stick to my intention. This week, I have dinner plans on Tuesday and brunch plans on Saturday. I’m deciding ahead of time what I want to order but I am also noticing that I don’t trust myself. I don’t have my own back because I’ve made promises to myself that I’ve not delivered on…very recently. I also hear Brooke’s voice in my head saying that basing future results on past experience won’t work for something you’ve never done…and I’ve never done this before in my adult life. I lost 70 pounds 5 years ago and have kept it off, but this last 30 is mostly uncharted territory and I’m afraid. I don’t even know what I’m afraid of.
Here is a model on one of my thoughts:
C – Current weight is 179 pounds
T – Even if you make a plan, you’re going to have situations you can’t control and being perfect isn’t realistic
F – Defeated, frustrated
A – Eat off protocol food because “perfection isn’t realistic”
R – Current weight stays the same or goes up
I’m working through an intentional model that doesn’t involve perfectionistic thinking but does honor my commitment. What do you think?
C – Weight is 179 pounds
T – Taking massive action means learning what doesn’t work and using “perfection isn’t realistic” didn’t work. What might work is writing down the night before exactly what you will eat and following that plan no matter what. Each day can be dealt with as it comes, the night before.
F – Still a little anxious and “white knuckle-y”
A – Look at tomorrow, write down my plan, eat exactly and only that
R – Weight loss
Thank you for your help!