I’ve been pursuing fertility treatment in an effort to get pregnant. Each time I’ve gone in, the ultrasound shows that I’m ready to ovulate and that’s when the insemination happens. The past 2 cycles did not result in a pregnancy, and I feel so down and discouraged. I’ve been allowing the feelings of disappointment and hopelessness when they come up. On Sunday morning, I just let myself cry and cry, so I feel pretty good about allowing and processing the emotions as they come up.

The problem is that I have never been able to fully bridge to a thought that I will get pregnant. I keep telling myself I’m too old to get pregnant, I f*cked up all my prior relationships and that’s why I didn’t have a baby sooner, ruminate over how long I stayed with an abusive ex or with men who had no intention of settling down and starting a family. I think to myself that my body just won’t be able to get pregnant.

I’ve approached each IUI cycle with doubt and fear, and then I tell myself that if I really believed the thought that I could get pregnant, I’d be pregnant and that it’s my lack of belief that’s keeping it from happening. I know that my brain is just trying to control what’s really out of my control at this point. It would be great if I could find a way to stop beating myself up about this because I’d like to continue with treatment until I’m out of options, but sometimes I don’t feel committed to that thought.

C: Started period after IUI treatment
T: This is never going to work
F: Doubt
A: Tell myself I’ll never get pregnant if I have doubt, buffer by eating crappy food, skip meals to make up for the crappy food, overexercise or don’t exercise at all, ruminate about my health and vitals, worry that my eggs are too old, worry that my partner will leave me, cry, mope, join and leave Facebook groups about trying to conceive, get upset when I get my period, debate whether I should drink alcohol or not, think about what it would be like to adopt and feel disappointed by that thought, feel selfish and irresponsible, beat myself up for past choices
R: Make this experience of trying to conceive harder than it has to be on myself

I don’t know what I want to transition my unintentional thought to. So far, I’ve contemplated changing the C by giving up treatment, but I know that won’t change the way I feel for too long.

I really want a family, but I wonder if I should just accept that I can’t. The discomfort of the uncertainty is getting to me, and I feel like I won’t be able to persevere through it.