Trying to get pregnant at 44 (!)

I’m trying to get pregnant with my partner at the age of 44 and boy do I feel super foolish and embarrassed for wanting to do so.

I was married prior, but my husband changed his mind about having kids late into my 30’s and it took me a while to get back out there to date, which I didn’t enjoy. But I found someone great who aligns with my want matches much better than my ex did.

Problem is, I keep beating myself up for all the years I wasted with my ex when I knew it wouldn’t work. It’s always been a dream of mine to have a child with a partner I love, who would be a good father, and I feel like I’m getting started so late on this project.

I tried to get pregnant naturally for the last 10 months, but since nothing happened, I’m now in fertility treatment. I feel super scared and discouraged. I’ve been taking the medications and will undergo my first IUI procedure in the next week or so.

I feel so ashamed like everyone is judging me, like I’m crazy for trying to attempt a pregnancy at such an advanced maternal age – I have kept this pretty close to the vest so far. I know the odds are really against me having any kind of child naturally and I’m feeling super down about the process.

I’d always imagined that trying to get pregnant would be such an exhilarating time and so easy. I imagined that getting pregnant would have happened for me long, long before now and all I feel is intense fear and anxiety.

I’m still going through all the necessary steps of fertility treatment even though I feel like I’m drowning in the river of misery.

All I keep telling myself is that it’s not going to happen for me, and if it does, I’ll probably lose the child or something will be very wrong with it, and it will be all my fault because I believed all my previous models and look where it got me.

I’ve done models on trying to shift all of this, but I’m having such a hard time not feeling down and stupid for making these choices. I’m still moving forward, but with no faith in the R or the outcome of having a healthy child.

Things feel really hard and I’ve got an overwhelming sense of isolation and loneliness right now even though I have good family, a decent doctor, and a very caring partner who I cherish.

I worry that my current mindset is going to make this whole project come crashing down, and then I’ll be filled with even more self-blame and recrimination than I already am. I just feel extra stupid and ashamed of myself right now. Even if I have a baby, I will be an old mom and may not be able to give him/her the best life. I just feel like I’m on the verge of tears all the time.