Ugh


There is this pattern that seems to be breaking up and I need some help with seeing what I can’t.

All of my life I have a tendency to have relationships where it seems people don’t take my word seriously.
Likely because in those relationships I haven’t fully taken my own word seriously.
I don’t maintain my boundary because I didnt set it (because shouldn’t the other adult? … I am being sort of sarcastic with that one)
And then “enough becomes enough” and I have to raise my voice or get angry and then the other person finally gets what they need to get done done.

It is an annoying cycle.
I can see what I am doing.
– not taking my own word seriously
– not setting the boundary for myself
– expecting them to act another way
– my getting into their models

But it seems like for me to take my word seriously I have to be rigid and beyond firm.
And, that is what it seems like I have to be like with my kids or husband.
Then sh*t gets done.

I really dislike the way I feel though.
I want people, including myself, to do what they say.
And I don’t want to get all rigid and firm about it.
I just want to schedule and do it, and have Love present.

Damn, what is that so hard?

So if I model this out.

C- not doing what I schedule
T – keeping my word with love is damn hard
F – Empty feeling
A – do other important things, but not the things I scheduled.
R – I feel successful one hand and empty on another

C- not doing what I schedule
T – this other stuff is more important
F – gnawing feeling that I could be doing so much more.
A – do other important things, but not the things I scheduled all the while my soul and guts are being gnawed at
R – there is success in getting things done, but I consistently don’t keep my word

Then I see this happen in many other aspects of my life.
Like I am in the process of filling a new program and have the people to almost fill it by the end of the week.
And I can see myself sabatoging for other important things.
And, if I actually do it…

I don’t want to berate myself. I could ask.. when am I going to get over myself. But that feels to be a bit harsh.
So then I ask “What would Love do?”.
Love would put a reminder up everywhere about the goal number and the simple words of “tiny task… one at a time… knock this shit out and blow your mind while you open your heart”.

Okay.. so that feels better now.

Can you offer any questions or insights?