Uncomfortable feeling and binge


I binged pretty bad today and yesterday. Here’s what happened:

C: Tom said “you’re right where you should be” (in response to my question if I’m doing well enough at training in my new job.)
T: The way he said “should” sounds tentative and unsure
T: He is talking about me behind my back with other people and just saying I’m doing fine
F: A VERY UNCOMFORTABLE FEELING. I think maybe self-conscious? I feel like there’s something wrong with me and I can’t see it and I start to get panicked that nobody is telling me, kind of feeling. I realize I don’t know what the feeling is because I ate over it instead of feeling it.
A: Think things that cause a urge…..like…

C: Feeling of discomfort (racing self-conscious panic) vibrating in body
T: I can’t handle this.
T: I didn’t write my protocol today so this can be an exception (animal brain)
T: As long as I keep my total calories low it’s fine for today (animal brain)
F: Strong urge
A: I stopped at several fast food stores to get treats. Ate in a total fog. Did not feel my feelings. I fasted the rest of the evening.
R: I find more evidence that I can’t handle it.

Instead of being mad and punishing at myself, I can see that I experienced a feeling thought I couldn’t handle. So, it makes sense that I did something other than feeling it in order to handle it.

But really there are two feelings here, the one of panicked self-consciousness and then the urge. I guess if I could handle the urge, I’d get the opportunity to handle the other feeling. But now the other feeling is just gone.

But I’m pretty terrified of the other feeling. If I’m not eating over it, I’m trying to “self-improve” over it, or get external validation, or buffer in other ways in order to avoid that feeling.

Is the first step to believe that I can handle the urge? It came up so fast and out of nowhere.

Some ideas are:
I can feel this urge in my body
This urge is the currency to my dream life
I know I can feel feelings
I can welcome this urge