Hi Coaches,

I’m working on my marriage at the moment as a focus. I have been arguing a lot with my husband recently and I want things to shift. Yesterday, there was an incident that led to an argument. I noticed when I did my model about it today that there were in fact 2 models going on, one ‘under’ the other.

Can you help me in taking this forward and with how to think of models ‘one under the other’ (if that’s a good way to put it).

Here are the unintentional models. Hopefully they explain themselves.

Unintentional model 1

C- I attended a conference from 2-6 pm yesterday, then went downstairs, husband was in living room, son was in his bedroom. I said some words, husband said some words.
T- Husband didn’t help son with his homework, instead went out though he knew I was at conference, he is now provocative and argumentative. He doesn’t accept responsibility and blames me for everything (I know all these are different thoughts but they all led to Fury)
F – Fury
A- I accuse my husband for not looking after son’s homework, explain to him why he shouldn’t have gone out today, shout, convince myself that he mistreats me because he doesn’t respond as I wish, argue, don’t follow the plan I had for today, don’t plan the week with husband, don’t watch something on Netflix with him, don’t eat with him, don’t enjoy my evening
R- I blame husband and I don’t help son with the rest of the evening.

Underlying unintentional model (I noticed this as I was doing the first model)

C- I attended a conference from 2-6 pm yesterday, then went downstairs, husband was in living room, son was in his bedroom. I said some words, husband said some words.
T- I’m not a good mum, I left son with husband all day today, didn’t have time for son.
F – Guilt
A- I look back on the day & realise I was expecting husband to step in and look after son, I accuse myself for not making a proper plan with husband, I accuse myself for not being there to monitor son’s homework & for not discussing with husband about him doing it or with son directly, I tell son off in the short time I see him about eating a bagel and say that’s not a proper lunch (because of my guilt), this whole thing leads to subsequent argument with husband, I don’t pay good attention to son for large chunk of the evening because of argument with husband
R- I neglect son for some of the evening, don’t show up as the mum and wife I want to be

Any thoughts and ideas on how to take it forward welcome.