Hi,

I have been dieting and overeating since I was 11, for 31 years. It’s an exhausting cycle. This past year I did a beneficial program, and for 7 months, I did not overeat; I learned to allow desire and urges, eat what I consider desirable and healthy for myself, I actually lost about 10 lbs, although I am not overweight at all to start with, so I was the slimmest I have ever been. My body just felt great. I felt great. I felt in control and that I had left that part of my life behind.

A month ago, I hosted a family function and ate all the things I normally choose not to. I had made a protocol to eat one of these things but didn’t stick to it; I went back for more. I thought, OK, this was just a bad day. But the next day, I ate all the leftovers. It was very uncontrolled, very impulse-driven.

From then on, things really took a bad turn. I overate nearly every day for a whole month, abandoned my protocol every afternoon around 2-3 pm (when I feel tired and before my kids get home from school), and put on 8lbs. I ate so much sugar that sometimes, I felt physically ill the next day and had low blood sugar symptoms. I really made myself feel sick and bloated and, of course, very tired from all the sugar.

I couldn’t believe it, I was actually quite shocked, as I thought I had left that part of my life behind.
I decided I wouldn’t beat myself up, though, and understand what happened instead so that it won’t happen again. I identified that new things were happening in my life that was all challenging me somehow. These are still ongoing. But I am not sure those things were the reason. The main issue was that following the first two ‘bad days,’ my belief and trust in myself were totally shattered.

I had the thought, “I can’t trust myself. I can’t believe I did this. I thought this was over.” I didn’t say, “you’re bad, or you suck, or you’re useless, so that was progress (this is what I would have sad in the past).
But, still, these thoughts led to feeling very disappointed, shocked, shaken. Then my action was to overeat more because I didn’t like those negative feelings. Buffering, essentially.
I am still surprised that I couldn’t stop myself earlier. I only decided, and fully re-committed to stopping, 2 days ago.

Can you help me understand what happened?
What can I choose to believe now?

I have come up with this:

I honor my body by eating healthy.
I trust myself 100 percent.
I am healthy. I am strong. I allow urges.
I am capable of anything.
I feel my feelings, and this means I am powerful beyond measure.
I nourish my body and my soul by sticking to my protocol and doing self-coaching.

As Brooke describes, I would love to get to a place where she doesn’t feel a desire for alcohol. I would like not to feel a desire for chocolate, brownies, bread, and butter, etc., all these addictive foods. I had almost got to that point after my program, but now I am scared I will desire these foods again, just like I did when I overate for a month.