Understanding how I create this

I hired my friend, an artist, to design a logo for me. I had never hired anyone or worked with a designer. She had never done graphic design for a client before. New for both of us.

I had an idea of what I wanted, and she made it. It wasn’t quite right, so I asked for an edit and a black and white rendering. The detail was very fine and didn’t shrink down well. She offered a simple design that I didn’t care for. I asked my best friend to help me pick and figure out what it was missing. She’s an experienced professional designer (though wasn’t available for the project). She modified the design in a way that I liked, but still not QUITE right. I wanted to end the design session because I felt it was dragging on and taking up both of our time. I sent my friend an email with the modified design, said I liked it, could she make a very tiny change, and that I wanted to pay her. Then I changed my mind! I sent another email saying I really do love her work and wondered if there’s was a way to bring it all together and create something that really illustrates what I’m going for. I explained in greater detail the concepts I emailed her at the beginning. At this point I felt I was being annoying, but coached myself into a feeling of “committed” to get I want and need. I am often willing to give up and be dissatisfied so it felt like a good stretch for me.

She wrote back saying that she was not available for any extensive redesigns and that she would not touch the other design because to her, it’s not an acceptable practice to modify someone else’s design and She does not consider it hers. It was very curt.

I had a TON of emotional drama about this. I felt deeply ashamed, like I had asked for too much, that I shouldn’t have sent her the design my friend changed, I shouldn’t have liked it, I should have been clearer in my own head about what I wanted, I should have had cleaner thoughts around working with her, our friendship was strained, she’s angry at me for modifying her design. On and on and on.

I felt all the feelings and it was horrible. But I didn’t react to them. I realized I was being really hard on myself and blaming myself for what went “wrong”. I had a coaching session the next day where I was able to get to a place of love for her, accept that it happened as it should have, there was nothing wrong with my behavior or hers. That she’s probably feeling emotional about her work – just like me. And that I can respond from the thought “I just love her”. Which I did. I sent an email thanking her, asking how to pay, and apologizing if her feelings were hurt by the modified design. In general I feel in a better place about it. I am still thinking about it a lot and occasionally feeling bad that she might be angry/annoyed with me/did not enjoy working with me – and have to redirect my brain to “I just love her” “nothing went wrong” and “it happened exactly as it should have”. I can see that I learned a lesson about having clear contracts and guidelines when working with people. And I do have a much better idea about what I want now. And I got the opportunity to see how hard on myself and self blaming I can be. And choose compassion.

My question is – I want to make sure I understand how my thinking caused this problem. I want to really gain insight about how I created this and fully learn the lesson. I am having a hard time finding the thought that drove the whole interaction. Maybe “I don’t know what I want” or even “I don’t know how I’ll use this” (I was definitely doubting my decision to even get a logo done because I don’t have a business fully up And running. Seems like there’s more important matters to tend to. But I also just wanted it – because I love beautiful things and wanted a beautiful image for my business). I definitely have a little drama around knowing exactly what I offer and who I serve. So maybe that’s it? I just want to really get the most out of this situation. Thank you! And thank you to the coach who helped me move from self condemnation to compassion for everyone involved! Still working on it…