My daughter and I have been traveling so she could audition for university music in the fall.

The first audition was:
T: She did so well
F: proud

The second audition was:
T: She did not do well
F: disappointed

The second model lead me to many other models:
C: Daughter less focused in days leading up to the second audition
T: It was inevitable that it wouldn’t go well
F: disappointed

T: She should have done better
F: blame

T: I should have done differently
F: regret

I find myself blaming myself. I should have done something to shake her out of it in the days leading up to the audition. And then at the audition, when she was starting to be thrown off by hearing the other kid prepare a really hard piece, and when that kid was waiting in the hallway to go after her, I should have done something.

But what? There was nothing that I could do. I couldn’t send the other kid away to give my daughter headspace to collect herself. I could sense that my daughter was getting nervous. I was calm and supportive.

T: Despite doing everything right, it wasn’t enough
F: disappointment

I tried to set her up for success but she didn’t do well and that’s very disappointing. A year of work for that one 15 minute audition and she didn’t play as well as she could.

T: She worked so hard and yet this happened
F: disappointed

Maybe my problem is that I don’t want to feel disappointed. And I don’t want her to have to feel disappointed. I just craved that feeling of being proud and elated; victorious over a job well done; winning at auditioning. I love celebrating together.

How do I want to show up for her? Supportive, I believe in her, I have her back, it’s okay to feel disappointed, it’s safe to feel disappointed.

How do I allow the disappointment (for both me and her) when there’s no way to silver-line it? With an audition like that, it means a lower chance of a scholarship package and a lower chance of getting into the program. It may mean that she doesn’t get in at all, and this was her first choice university.