Urge Jar Stress; Many Thoughts

So, I’ve always had a love/hate relationship with food plans/protocols. There are definitely some wounds and triggers there because many people have weighed in on my food and body over the years in ways that have felt intrusive and have not allowed me to connect to my own body and discover what works for me. I am now calling my plan “delish nourishment” instead of a “protocol” to help get around my bad feels.

Anyways, I got 5 beads in my urge jar the first couple days and that was great. I felt some relief at not having to make in the moment decisions and enjoyed the food I picked for myself and even enjoyed feeling some urges and seeing what was going on inside my body. Then I started coming up against things like today where I planned oatmeal for breakfast and was just like “No. I have no interest in oatmeal today. That was a dumb plan. Maybe I can make an agreement with myself where I can substitute carbs for carbs, protein for protein, etc. and pick something else.”

Then I start thinking “Hmm, that could be a slippery slope if I make it so easy to change the plan and then I kind of lose the purpose of having the plan. I do like that the plan makes me think less in the moment–that felt good the last couple days.” What I want is to make a better, more accurate plan of stuff I actually like. Another thought was “I know I haven’t been into oatmeal lately, so why did I plan that–what was I thinking?” I also think “Brooke is more structured than me and that works for her, but my purpose in doing this wasn’t to adhere to a food plan strictly, it was to be present with my emotions and to build a sense of mastery and capability. ”

Then I feel angry at the Urge Jar program and Brooke for trying to impose this structure on me. Yes, another part of me realizes I chose to do the Urge Jar program, but I don’t feel like I have to do it the exact way it was presented–I get to do whatever I want. I’ve also come up against a time yesterday where I was physically hungry and if I stuck to the exact food plan, I would have to go to yoga being 7/10 hungry and wait 2 hours to eat. Or I’d have to skip yoga to eat when I’m hungry. That felt ridiculous to me that I’d be skipping yoga, which is good for me, to stick to a food plan perfectly–absolutely against the spirit of why I’m doing this. And waiting 2 hours when I was already at a 7/10 was also against the spirit of why I’m doing this. It’s not aligned for me. I want to honor my body’s signals and not trigger scarcity unnecessarily. Life is hard enough without me imposing more stress on myself.

Today I ate some extra muffins and peanut butter cups. It felt like a rebellion against the Urge Jar program. There’s definitely some perfectionism coming up for me and a rebellious part that works against the perfectionist part that’s saying “You can’t contain and control me! I am wild and free and it feels amazing!” So, how can I keep being with urges while not being an anal retentive perfectionist but while still making a deliciously nourishing food plan and also feeling wild and free and aligned?