Hello I’m feeling an urge to get a new lawyer in my divorce case. I feel a lot of feelings and pretty unsettled. I worked down to an intentional model, but didn’t feel that great with it. Here’s what I’ve got.

C: interactions with Lawyer
T: She’s not helping me/on my side and just spending my money.
F: afraid
A: Think more thoughts – If I fire her I won’t be successful. Maybe something is wrong with me that I want to fire her. She thinks there is something wrong with me. It’s a hopeless case. I’m getting screwed. Reach out to alternative lawyer who says it’s late to take case, but also says she doesn’t understand why settlement not offered and settlement conference not scheduled (schedule the following week).
R:I’m not helping me/on my side??

C: Lawyer
T: She’s not helping me/on my side and just spending my money.
F: angry
A: Decrease communication with her. Sometimes try to make extra efforts to be nice (include Dear Name, and Sincerely, Name – she rarely does), other times try to keep communication as minimal as possible. Think of things she’s done I haven’t liked starting in December, telling me money I would be able to keep that I won’t be able to keep, etc. Also feel angry with patriarchy, my state, my husband, etc. Do a lot of the things she asks, not all. Correct her when she tells me something incorrect, or asks me again for something I already sent her.
R: I’m not helping her help me? (feels as if even when I was, it wasn’t working)

C: same
T: same
F: embarrassed
A: think more thoughts like something must be wrong with me that I want to fire my lawyer. I should be happy with her. She’s an expensive, respected lawyer. And then I think of the things I don’t like that she did and I get both angry and embarrassed for not standing up for myself more but then felt as if she was so irritable when I did stand up for myself.
R: I don’t have my own back and I’m not being kind to her?

C: same
T: She’s not helping me/on my side and just spending my money.
F: self-conscious
A: probably same as embarrassed

I also get the thought
C: divorce lawyer
T: I don’t want to be doing this divorce and the whole thing is unfair
F: shitty (mix of angry, hurt, sad, rejected??)
A: stay in bed longer, give self hassle for staying in bed longer, delay responding to lawyer (no longer than it took her to respond, she once ignored my emails for about 6 weeks), think of positive things and more growth-mindset projects, try to think of other ways to find happiness in life now. Think of what a liar and jerk my husband is. Curse the day I met and married him.
R: still getting divorced and unhappy about it.

I’m trying to think of the R I want… I want to have my own back. I’m trying to think of the actions that would go with that. I guess a possible model would be:
C: divorce lawyer
T: I have my own back (I don’t 100% believe this, but not sure what the step before this would be. Or I think “Yeah I have my own back, but society and the patriarchy have it out for you so it doesn’t really matter.”)
F: empowered
A: consider giving into all of my husband’s demands and just focusing on positive projects, consider doing more to try to recover more money from him/divorce (I’m actually still feeling rather discouraged thinking about which of these directions to go in).
R: could be happier?