Used to drink to numb

I would drink to numb when my husband and I would disagree. I don’t do this any more. I am feeling all of the emotions. I have gone almost 2 months with changing this behaviour and working on the models. It is a work in progress in terms of learning how to manage my mind. I feel I have grown too much….and fall and grow and get back up. I watch my mind worrying about all of the things that my husband is hanging on to….he won’t let go of the past. I am working on letting go…but he is there to remind me every day. I know that i have no control over other people’s opinions and I have done many models to say….”I did not have the tools…this was the past….I don’t have blue hair” but I find it comes up in my mind over and over. I have tried to think of my husband moving on and acting as if he has…but he lashes out. I know he owns that and not me and it has been the most deep work to stay true to my feelings of no longer living in the past.
I know I can’t make him forgive me…but he also did some unspeakable things that I have let go….he owns how he acted and what he said and did….
He bruised me and left marks on me while frustrated and this was crossing the line…When he gets angry now that I have changed and hangs on to the past I am saying to him…..but even though I drank….I did not control your actions and how you hurt me? He gets mad and won’t accept that and says that I caused him to hurt me. This is so ridiculous…..but he is trying to protect himself….
I am choosing to stay with him and think of the positives which are many but when he plays the blame game I feel my progress is sabotaged.
and I go into the dark hole at least once a day. This is my guilt over my actions but is it okay to keep saying… response to him….I own my actions and you own yours…and walk away…..or is this engaging in a no win fight…how do you stick up for yourself…..once you have apologized and someone daily keeps hanging on to the past?
I don’t own this behavior any more….I am so falling in love with me….but living in a world where it appears that I am not allowed to move on. People want me to pay….and those are not my thoughts….it is being said. I can do the work but it is like a broken record…..he won’t let it go….