I’m noticing that I’m having trouble getting out of my husband’s model and find myself either trying to coach him or becoming defensive in our conversations together. Lately, he has been emotionally struggling and seems to look at his life from a place of lack and scarcity. He tells me how he doesn’t have any friends and frequently compares his life circumstances to mine. (Always seeing how much better/easier I have it).

Previously I had always bent over backward to try and help him feel better. Often by making sure he had free time, got to engage in fun activities, or by staying home to help with the kids/home instead of going out with friends. But all this effort never seem to change his perspective and over time I’ve realized the true problem is his perspective/mindset and not really something that I can help/change.

Now when he asks me for help with the lack in his life I struggle with how to respond. I want to be supportive and loving but I’ve also recognized that I am not the cause, nor can I be the solution, of his problems. I find myself getting frustrated having the same conversation over and over. For example, yesterday he was explaining to me why he had become extremely upset/angry about what I considered a minor situation. He was laying out how I needed to change to help him feel better about the situation. I know that he doesn’t know the model and therefore I can’t expect him to recognize that he has all the power to improve his emotional state but I end up feeling defensive because I also know that the situation is not my fault and that even though he thinks I am doing things “wrong” that is just his opinion. How can I get out of this cycle?