I don’t like the way a friend”J” has reacted to a particular situation. I wanted her to “have my back” and “be in my corner.” A mutual friend, X, treated me poorly and, basically, my friend J tells me “I have lost respect for X person, I don’t like X person, X person is selfish, I don’t like the way X person treated you, X person isn’t really a friend.” But, my friend’s J’s actions don’t comport. She hangs out with X person, she doesn’t publicly say what she tells me her feels are about X person. She “goes with the flow, doesn’t want drama.”
So, I’ve decided “J” isn’t a friendship I want. Feels a lot like a have a manual, other times it just seems like a want match problem. Sometimes, I feel like it’s ok to let this relationship change (fade) because I want to and that’s enough. My reasons are that I was treated horribly by X person (and J agrees), but still hangs with X person and doesn’t defend me in what happened. So, I feel “over” wanting her to be someone she isn’t, I feel done with trying to control, and having expectations that are not met.
C- I told J I needed space because her silence and “going with the flow” about what happened with me and X person feel like she doesn’t have my back and she seems inauthentic to tell me the things she tells me about her feelings towards X person but her actions are completely different.
T- I let people be who they are
A- don’t second guess, I am true to what I want (a friend in my corner who doesn’t send mixed signals) I accept and love myself, I acknowledge what I need in a friendship, I don’t try to control J, I let J be J, I nurture other friendships, I take my power back, I focus on realizing that J doesn’t control my feelings
R friendship changing isn’t a problem
But, I don’t buy it. The truth is that I’m just disappointed that J decided to continue to hang with X person who hurt me deeply. Her original stance was that she wasn’t interested in that, but now she is hanging with X person and J feels like a liar to me now. Really, I want her in my corner or not at all. So, that’s the deal. Doesn’t seem fair and my model seems a little like BS. I have expectations, they aren’t met, I leave. Is that ok? Maybe the most loving this to do is to leave, that way I don’t ask her to be someone she isn’t and I am not disappointed by her.
Please help with insight about whether this is a manual, a want match problem that justifies leaving, or if I am simply changing a C because I don’t like it rather than just thought working my way to a better place.