Using the Model in Marriage Struggles


We’re 17 days into the month and it’s kicked my ass. Ive been an aspiring minimalist for the past 3 years and thought I had a good handle on our home organization. I love to purge what’s not useful, and applying that to my thoughts has been life-changing. Marie Kondo is my spirit animal.

So, I did your method on my closet, exactly as instructed, that night my husband and I had a big fight (our fights are never mean, they feel productive but are still hard conversations). We worked through the old issues that needed attention. Then, two days later, another big fight. We worked through it and it felt good, like we resolved more problems. A week later, my husband is in tears and said “I just want to feel special to you, like you really love me”. Its SO hard because I can see the negative thoughts he is choosing to believe. When I gently point these thoughts out and remind him I cant make him feel anything, he gets more upset. He says I’m using it as an excuse to not try harder. I genuinely love and adore my husband, I chose to have the thought “How can I show him I love him and that hes special to me”. It causes me to take actions that I think will show these feeings of love. I feel happy and excited to do things to build our relationship and feel like “yeah! This is awesome, we’re doing great!” Then, he says things like “Youre not doing enough” and “Youre only taking action on things YOU feel comfortable doing”.

What am I missing here? He is my spouse. I love him and we are not perfect but I love our life and feel like we are continually making progress. We havent had this many hard discussions in awhile. I credit this to all the purging going on in our home.

When he says it’s not getting better and he feels awful, I do a model, pick a new thought, then take action. He says “ its not enough” and “he doesnt feel like I’ll ever make him feel special” And I know I wont, because I cant make him feel anything, he chooses his thoughts that make him feel this way. Its really hard to watch him suffer from his thoughts, so I chose the thought “He needs this struggle beause its here to serve him” but I feel like I’m selfish because the model is working for me but not for him?

I feel like I’m missing something or maybe doing the model wrong?