My husband was out of the house while I was alone with my daughter. I was supposed to pass a set of keys to our new house over to our interior designer, but I lost track of time and I didn’t pick up the phone – so the guy had to wait a few minutes. Also, turns out the key I gave him didn’t work. We didn’t know this at the time.

My husband came back and was angry with me for not following up with the designer and for not being apologetic about not picking up the phone.

We are currently staying with my parents and renovating our own place so we can move in after our 2nd baby is born.

C: Husband said: “You don’t put in effort and don’t care about me”
T (among many): He doesn’t support me in being the kind of mother I want to be
F: Angry
A: Withdraw emotionally
Don’t want anything to do with his family
Drag my feet in terms of moving out
Rely on my parents more for help and support
Raise children without him in the picture as far as possible
Plot to get back at him eventually (ie. become super successful so I won’t need him anymore)
R: I don’t support him and don’t ask for support

I think the initial trigger for this argument is pretty trivial and useless to keep harping on. But as most arguments go, it has exposed our unresolved prior issues. I asked him what he would have thought if everything had worked out with giving the designer the key. He said he would have thought that I cared about him and about moving out. Sounds pretty ridiculous to me.

I’m tempted to go down the childish route and see how far this argument can go because I’m really annoyed at the things he said, but the coach and scholar in me knows that I’m only hurting myself by not taking responsibility for my part in this. That said, I do agree that:

1) I don’t put in as much effort into the relationship as I do into childrearing

2) I do believe he’s not as important as my kids

3) I’m not in any hurry to move out of my parents’ place and I secretly want the works to be delayed

I know there is some truth in what he said, but I don’t know how to proceed either. I feel like I’m already doing a lot for my kids. I think he doesn’t put in enough effort for the kids and he doesn’t support me in doing what I do for them. I think I need to prioritize taking care of myself and my mental health vs people pleasing him.

Help!