Video of myself

C: I looked at pixels on a screen of an image I call “my face”
T: I look old
F: panic
A: go wash my face, put on skin cream, research other retexturizing serums, do more micro needling, research doing a lift, wonder if my boyfriend thinks I’m old looking. Compare how I look now to videos from two years ago.

What I actually think is happening here is that I think “nobody is going to love me” or “I’m
Not good enough anymore” or “time is running out” and I feel “scared”, and then I buffer the feeling of scared with the actions I mentioned above. Because the behaviors I did are all because I don’t want to feel the anxiety.

Maybe something like:

C: I looked at pixels on a screen of an image I call “my face”
T: I’m not valuable anymore
F: shame
A: I hide, I don’t want to make more videos, I censor myself, I try to change myself
R: I don’t value myself for who I am now and I devalue other older people as well. I miss my life.

C: vibration of the emotion of shame in body
T: I cant deal
F: urge
A: put on face cream, eye cream, serum, research peels, rewatch videos – this is all in an attempt to alleviate the shame
R: I don’t deal with my shame, and I stay stuck. I don’t age emotionally, I stay stuck in emotional childhood.

I want to swap my thought so I don’t feel shame. I want to believe that “I am beautiful and valuable 100% how I am right now and absolutely nothing needs to change.”

Do I have to feel the stabbing shame when I watch myself on video? Or can I just move onto something less mean.