So I wrote down lots of thoughts and what its like when I have such a day or days of doubts. At the moment I’m writing it and I feel like another girl with a different love story. (That’s good I guess) I can distant myself from these thoughts. FIRST TIME!
And I want you to know that these are my worst days. Not my best and also not my average. But they are still there and I’m still not happy on how they affect me, my relationship and my mental health.
TAKE YOUR TIME. I’M SORRY IT’S A LOT I KNOW. BUT I PUT SO MUCH WORK INTO IT.

So It isn’t easy for me to talk about this again, because I’ve done it many times in scs and I still didn’t find a solution. So I hope you guys will take me seriously cause this is my dare today.
It isn’t easy because it opens up all the thoughts and I think about them for a long time. And I make them mean so much.

I wanted to describe how my day goes down when I have these negative thoughts:
This morning I listened to the podcast about models on models and I noticed how my biggest problem is how I freak out and get anxious having my doubts/thoughts instead of the thought themselves.
And I was feeling strong and secure. Like I can do that. I can notice how I freak out about these thoughts and just stay with them.
And now 7 hours later..
This doubtful storys happen. And it goes something like this:

So right now I feel really warm at my chest. Kind burning up to my neck.
I tell myself the story of how I have to break up with him. Because I have these thoughts/story that feel true.
I kind of see him and myself in the future in where I have to break up with him because I don’t feel secure and no doubts.
I also see how it confirms my thoughts.
Will I ever be able to manage this?
Will I always be on edge of being scared to almost break up or to feel scared and guilty of having negative thoughts?
Is the break up something I have to go through in order to be able to have something better come up?
I don’t want to.
If I imagine him with another girl I think to myself why? Why? I want to be with him.
Why did I have to do that?
I can see how someone would tell me: its just not meant to be. Just go with the flow.
Something else will come along.
When i feel doubt I feel distant and than I freak out because I also act distant and absent.
When those thoughts/Stories come I’m so enganging with them. I think about them, I’m absent, my brain is trying to find facts but sometimes also to find solutions and than destroys it with another fact.

How do I feel when I have these doubts?
heavy, exhausted, my head is spinning, restless, heavy.
I feel like I’m sliding away with the thoughts. Like I have no other choice.

When do these doubts come up?
When I imagine how you meet someone and he blows your mind. And you love each other but you have to concur things together but you know you can’t life without him. It’s the dramatic kind of love that brings doubts in me. Because this story doesn’t apply to my bf at the moment.
example:
You know when people tell you how they had to break up with someone because it didnt feel right. They were great guys but something was missing. I get so scared because i take on the story and i act it out with my lovestory

What helps me get away and calm down when I have these thoughts?
Stories like this:
today I listened to a podcast and she lost her husband and remarried and she told this.
This is what love is about: when he puts his towels next to me before class.
He gets me an anitbactrial tissue for my equipment.
When we walk to the car he always takes me hand.
He turns on my seatheater
Then i feel happy, blessed, loving. Cause it feels true
Also when I look at my friends on how they act on their relationships and how they show up:
they just love them as a human.
they are having their backs and love each other.
they just think: my partner is a good human. A good person and I’m so lucky.
Also I think people that have gone through something. Even a Trauma. They appreciate just having a good human next to them. A good man. And they love them so so much.

Or this kind of thinking:
“He’s my best friend, I’m so lucky to have you as a human by myside. We have each others back LOVEStory”
And I adopt and think this love mentality then I’m fine.
When I put these thoughts on then I feel strong and secure. And I can feel it true for me.

I can see me shifting between those two lovestorys.
it’s like having a lovestory wardrobe and wearing them and act like them.

Why do I freak out?
There is a person who i won’t have doubt with.
We will have hardships but i won’t doubt him as a person.
It shouldn’t be this way
That’s the story I tell myself.
having these thoughts are not normal. At the moment I believe 100% that if I met someone else it would be different. I just can’t seem to buy your solution that the next person is gonna be the same thing. I’m sorry. I would love to believe that but i can’t.

What do I make these thoughts mean? Why do I want them to go away as fast as possible?
because when they are here I engage with them.
and I think about them
and I act on them. I’m distant, I’m sad.
I don’t want to keep on living with these thoughts. It scares me.
If I let everything out this means I have to break up.
Because in our society what I’m doing right now is forcing something.
If I would have told a friend about my doubts and what I’ve been working on they would say that’s not normal. I have to let go. Love comes natural. You can’t force anything.
If everything is good and you doubt the person it’s not real love. Its not meant to be.

What I Do when I have these doubts:
I freak out. I want to fix it. I want to talk to a coach or write to you. But the answer doesn’t seem to satisify me.. like it helps a little bit until the next time comes and then I have the same thing going on.

What storys I tell myself how my life would be different after I break up with him
I think I will find someone who I will be in love and we will concur it all. And I will tell my kids etc. that I had this boyfriend, he was great but your dad just got me.
He had the power over me. It couldn’t help it.

OR

I will leave him, cry cry cry and meet stupid guys and miss him so much. And than try to get him back.
I LIKE THIS VERSION BETTER BECAUSE HERE HE IS MY RIGHT PERSON.

Thoughts that make me feel hopeless and sad and not breathe. Almost cry: (and they come up when I have these doubts )
What if this time i’m the exception of the programm?
What if there is no solution for me?
What if brooke and the coaches don’t care?
What if I’m alone in this.
What If I’m done with scs and I still have to break up.
What if this is all for nothing?
What if its only a way of extending the inevitable?

Were would I be when not having these thoughts?
I know that the only thing that is in between my and my bf are these doubts.
I can feel and see how I make him insignificant. I can see how I write the story with my thoughts. What I can’t seem to change is to engage in it and let me fade away and think about it…
I would love him so much, be proud of him and me, and telling everyone he’s the love of my life.
Right now I’m writing to him and I making him significant with my thoughts. I’m making him to this beautiful man who has chosen me, and has my heart.

What is my goal? What do I think comes next?
I don’t know I’ve tried so many things.
I tried to tell myself another story and make love thoughts downloads. And I must say it helped me a lot. I also have a great story I tell myself about my boyfriend and me. And I think it more often than having doubts. So thank you for that.
But I want to be able to have no doubts or at least not letting them rule my brain, my life, my relationship.
Comparison with other feelings
When i think: ah, this day doesnt pass. And i’m tired and lustless. Its ok. Happens. Don’t make a big deal out of it.
When i think of my grandma dying i cry. And i don’t feel bad because its a sign of love and lots of people have that. Don’t make a big deal out of it.
When i think: i have doubts about my relationship. I freak out. MAKING A BIG DEAL OUT OF IT.

So how do I process these emotions without induldge in them?
How can I stay with this feeling? Without freaking out Or act distant?
I tried to describe the emotions in my body.
I tried to tell myself stop going that road.
but that didn’t work.. BECAUSE I engage in it and my brain is off finding a solution to stop this shit but also to destroy as soon as we have found a solution.
I want to be able to just pass it
To just be able to have me move through my body
Without my brain engaging in it and think and think and think about it.
I wonder how brooke did it with drinking. Wasn’t she scared or freaked out that she wasn’t gonna make it?

So I’m in the scs for only a 2 more months and I want to get as much help as I can.
and I know I can’t control you. But whoever Is answering this post. I hope you can hear me and feel me and help me to get my breakthrough.
Sending lots of love to you.