My AHA Moment
So today i had like the worst day ever. And I almost broke up with my bf. I already thought of how I should do it and what I would do with the apartment etc.
and then it hit me. I did a model:
C: imagining myself breaking up with my bf because of my thoughts
t: omg, I don’t want it to feel so ok and normal that I want to leave him
f: anxious, scared, sad
a: breaking up with my bf or at least thinking/obsessing about it
r: I’m sad because I have to leave
And that right here. It hit me.
like it’s ok that I think it’s ok that I want to break up with him. Totally ok.
because you know what? It’s my brain. It doesn’t mean I want to actually break up. It’s just my brain having the thought and me feeling this kind of way about a thought is ok. It doesn’t mean anything. RIGHT????
I just have to be there with it.
I think that the first time it didn’t freak me out. I still have to tell me even when I’m writing this that it’s ok. Everything is ok. It’s ok to feel ok to want to break up. IT’S NORMAL! Only because you feel ok with doing something it doesn’t mean you want/have to do it. SO POWERFUL!!!!!
So I’m so happy right now.
so I’m testing all kind of scenarios of when I have negative thoughts about my bf.
and I tell myself: it’s ok to think something and to feel a certain way about it and not wanting to feel that way about it. Like thinking something negative and having a feeling agreeing with it. But stop! Hey! I don’t want that! When those two harmonized I thought: ok, its over. GAME OVER. I have to follow because that’s what my feelings and thoughts are saying.
example: I imagined how I don’t want to spend time with him next week and how I feel ok not wanting to spend time with him. My thought about this: Omg, you don’t want to spend time with him?? You don’t love him like you should. What are we gonna do? Bringing up 7000 examples of other relationships and scenarios of how it should be. Like the feeling I have when having this thought made me go crazyyy.
And also normaly my chest would go warm, my heart would pound and I would freak out because I would make this thought mean that he isn’t the right one for me. And it wouldn’t last long if I were ok with the being ok not spending time with him.
Like being with this feeling that agrees with the negative thoughts about him doesn’t mean that I’m actually ok with it. It’s just an automatic reaction on the thoughts I’m having.
And than I remind myself:
it’s ok that I feel this way and it doesn’t mean anything. Just my brain having a thought
I think that’s what made my freak out was how I FELT over the thought. What I made my FEELING aka being ok with the thought mean. Does that make any sense?
I think that would be a great description for all the people freaking out.
I also thought of other examples like when you hate your husband and your ok with it and that freaks you out. Or when you don’t find your husband attractive anymore and it scares you because your ok with it and you know your brain is looking at other men and your ok with it. If the feeling harmonizes with the negative thought than you feel so insecure, so hopeless. It’s 2 against one haha.
And that makes you freak out. Having a feeling you don’t actually want to have but which is in harmony with the thought. whenever you have a thought and the feeling. And you don’t like the feeling attached to the thought. Just let it be. Own it. Its ok!
Wanting it not to be there doesn’t change it it makes it much worse. Because you give it the power that he has to leave because it disturbs you so much. Why make all the efforts to remove something if it doesn’t bother you? Right?
It smells your fear. Haha. And it grows from it.
so my commitment from this day on is following
– When I have doubting thoughts, negative thoughts or scenarios in my head and I have a feeling that likes the thought or harmonizes with it. I tell myself it’s ok. It doesn’t mean that we have to do what I think and feel. Just let it be. Own it. And don’t be scared of it.
– Whenever I think love shouldn’t be this way or I’m forcing something. I tell myself I’m learning a good new skill for later. I’m not going to think of the things I don’t have and should have to create the perfect and truest lovestory. And also I don’t start comparing other lovestorys to mine. Cause: different people, different ways.
-Only I can make it happen. I have the ability to believe in the thoughts. Only I have the solution. I count on myself!
-Also thoughts to believe until learning this skill
1. thoughts like “there is a person who I won’t have doubt with”, “we will have hardships but I won’t doubt the person”, “it shouldn’t be this way”, “look at others relationships”, “stop forcing something inevitable”. Well, they don’t serve me. Maybe my relationship and my way is different. But outstanding results take massive action right? So when I have these thoughts coming up “what if someone is better out there for me?”, “what if it shouldn’t be this way?”
WHO CARES BRAIN! WHO CARES!
Thanks for making up such nice lovestories for future events but I want to train you to make a nice story with the one I already have. Cause it has awesome material!! ME AND HIM!
2. All the negative stories I tell myself about how I imagine me and him breaking up because of my doubts. Or all the thinking of how the break up is something I have to go through in order to get to the real thing. AND then feeling it is the truth, feeling the emotions agree with the thought. Is ok. It doesn’t mean that you have to do something.
NO THANKS. Thanks for the vivid vision but no thanks BRAIN! 😊
also brain: where do we know that this is gonna work out? Maybe If I follow your stupid ideas I will end up with a lazy boring guy which I will divorce someday. Haha. My brain is always so optimistic and positive in the future. Intresting! Haha
3. Also I look at other guys and let myself think all the things. It’s funny how my brain has so many romantic stories for them. And I accept it. But no thanks brain! Cause I know when I got to know them it will not be the same story.
4. When I have everything in control and my brain comes up with thoughts:
it won’t last long, this isn’t real, you will fall back to you pattern.
I acknowledge that I’m scared that this thought might be true and then I say no thank you brain. Cause I have figured it out. This is the way! I believe in me and I can make it happen! I only concentrate on the useful thoughts and don’t let myself get distracted by the other negative thoughts.
5. I don’t wait for anyone to convince me. Not any coach. Not any quote. Not any lovestory. Not any youtube or blog post. ITS UP TO ME. I rely on me and training my brain and my beliefs. NO MORE waiting and hoping someone will change my doubts and change my situation and then of course being sad and hopeless when none of them could convince me for the longterm.
Also no more getting doubts or false ideas of other lovestories, youtube videos, blog posts or other shit.
6. Think the thought: yes, I’m a girl who doubts her relationship at the moment. And she has strange negative thoughts and has feeling that agree with it. And guess what? It’s ok! It’s ok that my feeling harmonize with the negative thought. I own it. Because I know it doesn’t mean a thing!
so my goal is to really practice confronting and owing these thoughts and the feeling I have which harmonize with the thoughts.
And then I can enjoy more of my boyfriend.
And it will get better and better. And I can learn to appreciate him on a different level. I feel so much lighter.
What I did so far up until now is:
freaking out about those feelings because if I would make them mean that if I feel ok with the thought. Then the thought must be true. So didn’t want to admit it and I kept on practicing on thinking positive thoughts. But of course the negative thoughts came up again. I tried to not freak out. I tried to talk to all of you and hope that someone would convince me otherwise so I don’t have to admit that I have to do it on my own. And I was too insecure and scared to believe I could do it on my own. I thought if you couldn’t convince me I wasn’t able to save this relationship. I hoped but I didn’t take action because I didn’t see how I could. I was too scared.
NEVER BE SCARED TO ADMIT SOMETHING cause only be admitting you are ok with a thought doesn’t make it true. That is my new belief!
still little bit shaky and I almost want you to agree with it but I’m learning to believe on my own.
I’m gonna learn this skill and gonna love the heck out of my boyfriend and we are gonna have a wonderful family someday. I mean it!
Also you know what? I want to learn this because who knows when you are married 20yrs you maybe fall in love with another guy or want to cheat and you feel ok with the thought that you want to cheat or to fall I love ALTOUGH YOU DON’T REALLY WANT TO!!
How amazing will It be when I already have this skill then?? I would be like: no thanks!
Also a colleague told me today: you are meant to do some great things.
and I like the thought. I might just keep it.
Sorry for the long text.
I’m gonna commit so hard you guys! There won’t be anymore
“but”.. “did you think of that” ,”but you don’t have that and this positive thought”
thoughts that I follow when my brain offers it.
What do you think about that?
I would love your opinion.