vulnerability and relationships

Hey Brooke,

Okay so I met a guy and we connected pretty quickly had a flirty, playful banter right off the bat. I never asked him directly if he had a girlfriend because all the other questions I had asked I assumed someone with a girlfriend would include them in the answer. For instance I asked who he was going camping with and he said alone, that he was meeting people. But he had gone with his then girlfriend and proposed to her on the trip. Up until this point I was developing feelings and excited it could lead to something more.

When I heard the news I felt like I was led on and that he was dishonest (many models and thought downloads happened:) Since it really didn’t go very far I wanted to keep the friendship because I do have fun with him and the community of people we both hang out with.

Now that I know him better (and likely changed my thought:) I can see he isn’t the right fit for me but I can also tell that I haven’t fully cleaned up my thoughts about him. One thing I notice myself doing is being open to build a friendship then quickly putting a wall up to keep him at distance. This is the model

C: Guy
T: If I’m vulnerable/open up he’ll think I like him and I might get hurt again
F: guarded, defensive
A: ignore him or say something sarcastic
R: push him away, no real friendship (not sure if this result is right??)

I think you would say, 1. I can’t control what people think and 2. they can’t hurt me (emotionally) unless I allow it. So I’m struggling with a better a model that I believe. Right now I have it as:

T: I can be vulnerable and create a meaningful friendship
F: connected
A: have more meaningful conversation
R: build friendship.

I guess my question is if I’m on the right track with the models? I can tell this is just one example of something deeper which is my thoughts around vulnerability. I see it as giving my control away to the person I’m being vulnerable with and hoping they take care of it. Not Ideal!:) I want to believe I can be vulnerable and in control at the same time.