Hi Brooke.
I have a stepson who refuses to support himself. He is 37years old and has never had a job for more than a few months, and even with that he has only had enough jobs to count on one hand in his whole life. He has always found someone to take him in, and my husband has always given him money.
In 2016, my husband paid his rent for 6 months before I set the boundary that I would no longer allow our money to pay for his rent, that if my husband continues to do so, I would divorce him. He stopped and my stepson moved in with his mother and step father. Last week he attacked his step father and broke his jaw among other things, and they kicked him out. He is now living with one of his friend’s mother. I have also set the boundary that I will not share a living space with him, that includes my barn, my shop, even my horse trailer or my ditch. I refuse to live in the same space at all.
I have done many models concerning my thoughts about my stepson and my boundaries. My issue right now is that I am tired of having to constantly work on my thoughts about this. My husband is a very poor communicator. He refuses to talk about anything unpleasant, so I do not know what his boundaries are or how he is going to respond once his son is completely homeless and his wife has these boundaries. I live in this constant state of unease that the bottom is going to drop out of my life at any moment. I am prepared to follow through with the consequences I’ve established. It’s this “waiting” and anxiety that is wearing me down. It keeps me very guarded and afraid to just relax into my life with my husband. When it comes up, I address it through feeling the feelings and doing models; but I’d like for it to stop coming up over and over again. This is the model that I would like to get to but so far have not been able to make a reality:
C-possibility that my marriage will end
T-nothing is permanent except my relationship with myself, and I’ve got my own back.
F-secure
A-live one day at a time without worrying
R-Reoccuring anxiety stops

I’m hoping you will see what I am missing and help me get to a state of peace that lasts for more than one day. I suspect that you are going to suggest that I just accept my stepson as he is and be ok with supporting him, but my thoughts against that are too strong. I have a very strong belief that enabling him does not serve anyone, and is in fact, very harmful. I am committed to my boundaries. I would like to stop worrying over it though.
Thank you.
Karen