I’ve read books about givers and takers.

Some mornings I wake up, afraid I’m of the taker variety rather than the giver. My brain tells me that’s why I don’t have very many friends, people don’t collaborate with me, I’m awkward and people feel weird around me, I don’t give enough value to people, I’m not thoughtful enough, my business isn’t booming, and a list of other things.

Knowing this or hoping it’s not true feels terrible. I don’t want to be thought of as a taker and not a giver by other people or by myself.

Yesterday, a friend stopped by to visit with her husband and five kids. She is ten years younger than me. Her oldest is the age of my youngest.

They came to my house hungry but I knew they were planning to go to pizza after a short visit at my house. Her three year old twins went straight to my pantry looking for food. I didn’t offer food to them because my friend had told me they were heading to pizza. My friend had offered to bring the pizza to our house but I had said no thanks because my kids had already planned to watch a football game and have a tailgate. My friend and her husband aren’t into football.

Her kids got restless and wanted food, totally understandable.

Today, I’m beating up for not being more giving and generous. I didn’t offer them food or even a drink of water or something.

I was feeling awkward because they arrived about 90 min later than originally planned. When I welcomed them to come early in the day, I thought we would visit and be done before the game would even begin. As it was, they arrived exactly when the game started.

Her kids wanted to go upstairs to find toys to play with but we have zero kids toys anymore and nothing is kid proof.

My friend and I got to visit but by about ten minutes into our conversation her husband and all her kids but her oldest ended up in the car while we chatted.

My friend mentioned a room in my house that I had redone but by that time I was not taking everyone up the stairs to see it.

Today, I’m feeling a bit like a Scrooge about not giving food and drink and not taking her up to see our rooms we made over, like I would have normally done, under different circumstances.

This experience is making my brain comb my memories for all the times I haven’t been generous to people, the times friendships have ended, the times I wasn’t kind, and how our family doesn’t have a bunch of other families that love to hang out with us.

I’m feeling lonely, stingy, and discouraged about who I am. This happens in the mornings before I’m even all the way awake…my brain just starts going on this stuff. It feels like my brain is against me before I’m even awake and ready for the barrage of thoughts.