Wanting to indulge in drama

I’ve done a lot of self coaching this morning. Before corona – I didn’t think I was doing it right because I haven’t created the results I want. And maybe I’m not exactly there yet but I’m not where I used to be in my brain or even my life— even though some of the self-defeating thoughts that keep coming up. I’m onto myself and try to interrupt my model realizing all my thoughts absolutely do not serve me and there is no upside to thinking them.

Here’s some of them I’ve been having in my thought download this morning.

C: x amount of dollars in the bank + x amount of bills = Negative dollars

(Loaded with the corona virus and shut down of my area)

What an idiot I am.
I’m so stupid.
I’m a failure.
My dream is not going to come true.
It’s my fault we are in this financial position.
There is nothing that is truly going to change me.

I’ve been asking myself is this even true? Why am I choosing to continue to think these thoughts and beat myself up?

F: scared

A: buffer: clean, not work on business, not create value or content to help, have more thoughts about my business clients being scared and going to stop service, more thoughts about govt: “what if they do a complete shut down – I’m screwed because I won’t produce income”, watch TV, eat sugar and comfort food.
R: try to prove all those thoughts true which will lead to me not working on coaching business and never realizing my dream.

— ok so I know all these are thoughts and the results they will create if I continue. I asked myself if these are really true. It’s like my brain wants to keep indulging into it.

I realize that I have a lot of underlying deeper self-defeating thoughts of self worth and not feeling like I matter.

I also realize that instead of being the positive person in my texts with my 2 bf’s — I bring up a lot of fear and what ifs — I sometimes start to write something and then erase it.

I’m so annoyed that I keep wanting to be a victim. Like I want to talk about all my drama about money or like I’m going to be in a hot mess if everything shuts down.

Please help me to get out of this victim state — I realize that my whole life I have wanted attention and I see it pop up in my conversations in texts to my best friends. I tend to be the positive one always or helping them in some way but when I text them I seem to indulge in drama — the last person I want to be is in drama – yuck! They are not even dramatic.

— maybe attention I desperately wanted when I was growing up. I was extremely shy and afraid to speak. I also have the need to want to be right and afraid of being wrong — which is tied into my shyness . I’m working on being okay if I’m wrong about things . I guess it’s wanting to feel good ? Wanting to feel important? I guess I have to be okay with failure and if I never give up I guess its all just learning. All ties into worthiness .

Okay so what’s my next step ? I’d really appreciate guidance in getting out of this victim mentality that I tend to go to.