Was That Considered Self-Coaching?


I came to a cafe I attend to almost every weekday and met a new waiter face this morning.
I came on my regular hour and the cafe was dark and had very loud music on.

I sat at my usual table and when the waiter came over, I greeted him with a smile, said I won’t be needing the menu and gave him my order. Right before he left I asked if he doesn’t mind lowering the music and putting the lights on.
He looked at me and said, ‘Would you like also a flower or a candle maybe?’
And I said, ‘No, I apologize, it’s just too loud and I usually write here and the place is normally much brighter at this time.’

He gave me a face and turned away, lowered the music, put more lights and then hollered towards me from the end of the bar, ‘I hope that’s fine with you, right?’
And it was undoubtedly that his tone was rude and upset.

The model that came up for me immediately was this: (I actually wrote it down immediately)

C = Waiter said ‘Would you like also a flower or a candle maybe?’
T= That’s so rude. Who does he think he is? I want to tell him off and get up and leave.
F= Angry, entitled.
A= Tell him off and leave.
R= I’m being rude.

Then I did an intentional model:

C= Waiter said ‘Would you like also a flower or a candle maybe?’
T= I wonder what’s going on for him: he just came early to a low-paying job and a customer is asking to lower the music and put more lights.
F= Understanding, compassion.
A= Being kind, thankful.
R= Enjoy my breakfast.

The next time he came to the table to serve my breakfast, I thanked him, and when he gave me my check I apologized to him for asking to lower the music.
He said, ‘Oh, no problem. What, are you a writer?’
I said, ‘Yes, I am. And I do some of my best writing every morning here, when it’s all quiet.’
He said, ‘Wow, how lucky you are. I am stuck in this job and I hate every minute of being here.’

And then I realized that my intentional model Thought was right. And he expressed it very clearly. And that is why his thoughts led him to respond to me in a rude way. Ultimately, I was able to change the experience for both of us just at least for the time I was there, but I wondered, was that also considered self-coaching even though it wasn’t about overeating or bad habits?