Answering the Q from my last post (I’ve committed to myself to post/ask as many times as it takes me to work through this – apologies in advance!)
“Why do I want our work to be ‘totally equal at all times‘ and how would I measure that?”
– I think that would make life ‘fair’. But, I cognitively realise that is not the reality of life AND more personally I can see that underlying THAT is that I am still believing I work harder and therefore ‘fairness’ would mean him working harder (because I don’t feel it’s possible for me to work less right now) and would ultimately take some load off me or create more results in the business for us so I don’t feel like I am the one doing so.
– Which proves the point that I am just resenting my own burden/workload.
So, if I’m on the right track there (am I?) that helps me progress to knowing that it is my thoughts about my own workload/ the perceived burden that I need to work on.
For “how would I measure that?” – I measure it by how our Monday Hour One calendars look. If his looks as full as mine, I am happy. If his is emptier, I’m irritated and I go into/dwell on comparison (my action) and the result is that I therefore prove my thought right (that I am working harder). I can see this is happening and have not yet succeeded in interrupting the model before that action – because I haven’t yet found an alternative intentional thought that I believe yet.
So perhaps I need to make some ladder thoughts or find a way to help me get past the thought that if he works harder, I will stop feeling burdened.