Ok. So I’m going to start looking deeper into the words that are keeping me stuck. The first is perfection. This is causing so much turmoil in my life that I need to spend time defining what I mean by perfection. Ok so perfection to me is a high standard of behavior that must be executed flawlessly at each time. What do I mean? I think what I mean is that I have certain beliefs about what it takes to lose weight. Namely no sugar, no flour. low carb. So I have a set of expectations of how I should behave in order to achieve weight loss. So my do I want to achieve weight loss anyway? Again to prove I am worthy and capable. So I set standards at the highest levels. I must behave in this manner without any exceptions and if I even mess up once I have become unworthy.
Basically, perfection to me means to take something I could be doing because I love myself and want to keep my body in the best shape it can be and twist it so I can’t win at it. I will give myself the most unreasonable goals and beat myself up for not meeting them. I’m obviously not in touch with reality and with myself. I don’t honor the fact that some days I just want to eat sugar and it’s ok. One day of sugar will not kill me. There is no room to make mistakes. So I give myself things that are not in alignment with reality or my desires and then use them to prove I am not worthy.
So I have a manual for myself. I use it to feel good about myself when I follow it and I use it to shame myself when I don’t. I guess I can’t imagine life without manuals. I’m so used to my parents setting unreasonable expectations for me and then telling me I wasn’t good enough because I couldn’t meet them that now I have internalized it and am doing it to myself. How do I free myself from this?