Weight Shame

I have been on a journey to recover my health. I have some very low hormone numbers. If I am honest with myself, part of my journey was the thought “if I fix my thyroid I will lose more weight and not for the reasons of health” which I would like to be my primary driver. As I am on thyroid medicine, and a few others, I am actually gaining weight. I have put on 5 pounds. My thought is to immediately to get off of this medicine but there is a part of me that knows I need to heal internally. I have, in the past, put my internal health at risk for the benefit of weight loss (external approval). I am struggling with the balance of that. I am also struggling with all of the medical advice and leaning into my own knowledge about what is best for me.

C: thyroid medicine
T: this is amazing, this is exactly what I have been looking for, weight loss/maintenance with no effort
F: thrilled
A: look forward to thyroid medicine, dream about no food cravings, push to get on meds, dream of how great it will be when I get there
R: I give credit of my future amazing life to medicine

C: thyroid medicine
T: this sucks, you deserve to gain weight because you were looking for the easy way out, get off of the meds (I know these are separate thoughts that could all yield multiple models)
F: frustrated/mad
A: judge myself, judge my body, be the victim, pout, question whether my long term health is worth it, hate my body, refuse to look in the mirror, tell myself I am overweight while I workout and that is why the work out is so hard
R: I make my life suck.

Any help is appreciated.