What am I unwilling to feel

I am in the process of losing 5 kg, and allowing 100 urges. My protocol for dinner is a fruit and a bowl of rice or veggies with protein.  Tonight I ate half a packet of rice crackers, a slice of sponge pandan cake and a bowl of extra fruit – I already had a pear then got a bowl of frozen blueberries.

Kathy died. Kathy was my husband’s friend. Kathy’s daughter is the same age as my daughter. 6 years old.

C: husband got a call and told me “Kathy died last night”
T: She shouldn’t have died
F: sadness
A: resist the sadness and not talked about it to husband or my mum. avoided the sadness by eating, not allowing the feeling, not justifying to self that it is fine, not giving myself compassion.
R: I did things that I should not have done.

C: husband got a call and told me “Kathy died last night”
T: People shouldn’t die.
F: defeated
A: talked to myself : Why bother building a business?  In the end I would die anyway. I blamed God for letting people die so young.  I argued with the circle of life that someone is born and someone will die. Kept arguing even though it is futile. Buffered with food.
R: create “death” in my weight loss program.