What I think about myself in regards to putting in a bathtub

I was doing a goal worksheet from a program I’m in and it was about renovating my bathroom to put in a bathtub. I’ve been wanting this since we moved in over 4 years ago, but hadn’t asked my landlady. I finally did and she said yes and we’re finalizing the design. I was supposed to focus on a small goal to start and I picked putting the bathtub in. On the worksheet it says, “When I have created this goal, how will I speak to myself?”

I went there in my head thinking about how nice and luxurious I would feel in my new bathtub what I would be thinking, what came out was kind of surprising to me. After thinking, “this is really nice and luxurious” I went on to a download of “You don’t deserve a nice luxurious space. Your husband earned this, not you. It’s a waste of money since you’re not going to live here forever. You should have done this years ago. You don’t do anything right.”

I had a realization that these thoughts have been here for a while and it’s holding up the actual project with them running in the background and there’s been miscommunication with the architect, delays that are primarily from our end and our not committing. I see how these thoughts are creating my reality (no bathtub) and I want to shift them to get me to the new reality (new bathtub) AND be able to enjoy the bathtub after I put it in. Because I realize that my brain will still think I’m undeserving even once I get it and it’s a theme that’s been there as I’ve upgraded my life, piece by piece and it’s a pattern that keeps me in misery.

I’m practicing wanting from abundance and writing out what I want along with what I want to create, but I think the underlying issue is deservability in my eyes for myself and it’s not just with a bathtub. I see that it carries over to other things I want to create as well.