At the end of my last coaching session I received the suggestion to focus on specific behaviors and the question: If I could think anything about my soon-to-be ex-husband, would it be this? I ended up in a conundrum….
In the past I have often had much more benevolent interpretations of his actions, but now I feel maybe I was just foolish and those interpretations caused me to miss worrisome signals.
C: Husband behavior = tells me his sister is XYZ, tells me everything with his family comes with strings attached, tells me his therapist told him it is amazing he turned out as well as he did given his family.
T: That is odd but it doesn’t mean anything bad about him.
F: Fine, loving.
A: Warmth, smiling, acting loving.
R: Got married.
C: After having an affair etc. husband seeking divorce – has interactions with me and children.
T: I should have paid more attention to the warning signs.
A: Ruminate and worry I will make the same mistake in the future or tell myself this was preventable.
R: Still getting a divorce, feel self-doubt for past decisions and worry for future decisions.
What are my other thought options?
T: That was nice but it’s time for it to come to a close.
A: Think that it was fake. What was that? Was that even real? Is this real? What the hell?
R: That thought did not work for me.
T: I’ve tried some other T’s – none of them seem to work/I don’t believe them or don’t feel better. For example when T = This is just how he is. This is just how we are. This is how it was meant to be. This is fine. This is good. This is no problem. I can still be a good mom. He is a better dad now. It’s nice when he’s not here. I’m glad we got married even if we got divorced….. none of these work for me. The only T that I can even believe is: One beautiful thing that came out of us being together is our daughters. However, it is followed by the thought of how this sucks for them, they are getting a crappy life, etc
A: Do models, try to figure out what to do to help them, read.
R: Help myself, help them, also not present with them while doing these things, this sucks for them.