What is a new thought re divorce?


als Hello, Coaches!

After a year of couples counseling and trying lots of different things, I *think* I’ve come to clarity that I want to get a divorce. I deeply love my husband. I will always consider him family. We’ve been married 20+ years. We have amazing kids together. I think he’s wonderful. I love being a family with all of us and want to preserve as many aspects of that as are under my control. And… I no longer want to be married to him. I’ve tried to want to. But it’s becoming ever clearer that it’s not what I want.

He wants to stay married. He thinks he will be happiest that way. But he also doesn’t want to be married to someone who doesn’t want to be with him. I think he deserves to be with someone who’s thrilled to be married to him–as I was for so many years.

I find myself feeling guilt and fear about being judged as selfish. Especially now after going through a few months of Scholars. I see that I CAN work to change my thoughts and even my desires. Therefore, a part of me thinks I SHOULD change my thoughts and desires in order to stay married. But the majority of me has this ‘know it in my bones’ feeling that doing so would be arguing FOR limitations for me, and for my husband.

Not that he is any way deficient. A metaphor that’s simplistic, but I find helpful: it’s more like now we’ve each graduated high school and are choosing where we want to go to college. I feel really strongly about going to one particular type of college. His own preference would be to go to a different type of college, but he’s willing to choose the one that I like, in order for us to be together. What a lovely gesture. But I don’t like the idea of starting out on this next chapter with a partner who is not thrilled to be there, and who I know is hoping to spend lots of time with me… when I see that I need to be meeting new people and experiencing new things, and not with a partner.

Could I shift my thoughts regarding this? Maybe. But I don’t want to. That leads me back to feeling guilt that my husband and kids will not like this, at least initially, and feeling fearful of being judged by my husband and kids as being selfish. (I used to care what other people thought, but now it’s down to just my husband and kids.)

What is a new thought (or two, even better!)? Thank you.