I’ve recently realized that I don’t know what love is. I know that I have ideas about love, but I’ve grown to question them.

I’ve been trying to suss out my values as part of the process of building my business. Love is one I keep coming back to, but the thoughts I have are: What actually is love? What does love act like, think like, feel like? Is love being loving?

If I’m 100% honest, I love what I do. And I started my business because I thought I could make a lot of money doing what I love by putting it online. I then traveled through a million iterations of ‘how to build a business online and lost track of my initial idea and my love. The simple idea of putting my work out there evolved into something else.

I don’t know if this has been good or not, but it is what it is and I am where I am in it. I am a movement teacher in The Feldenkrais Method. I reintroduce people to their body and help them to fall in love with being in their own body as they learn to explore it, relish the sensations of their physical self and to utilize their body to serve them. I do this because I love this movement exploration myself, it has opened doors for me and fills me with joy. I’ve noticed that I always want to share my own experiences with others. “Like, hey everyone, you’ve GOT to try this.” I get a sense of meaning when I’m able to share with other people.

I’m so literal. And in the reasoning–‘I share for own benefit, my own desire’–I see selfishness. I see, ‘I do it for myself.’

That seems like the opposite of love.

I realize my idea of LOVE is that it is selfless, enduring, giving, unconditional.

What I’m confused about is: I often feel disconnected from love of people I don’t have close bonds with. I don’t disvalue them in any way, I just don’t feel loving toward them.

When it comes to my business I sometimes feel that I use people for my income. These are people that I don’t know, they are “potential clients.” Yes, I know it’s an exchange of value, yes I know I am giving something to them they want and are happy to pay me for. The feeling remains, I think because I don’t feel loving toward them.

I want to be a part of making the world a better place, I want that to be integral to my business. And yet, I can’t shake that sometimes I feel like I’m just another selfish American making compromises on my values because I just want to have money. At the same time I know this isn’t true, so why do I FEEL that way?

I think somehow it comes back to being unclear about what love is, what love acts like.

Can I be pursuing my business to earn a lot of money and also be acting in love?

Can I not have loving feelings toward my potential clients and also be acting in love?

Can I be selfish and also act in love?