Dear coaches,

What do you do when someone won’t talk with you?
I have a lot of friends and people who will talk with me, but I have two people in my life who are not wanting to talk with me. One is my ex-husband with whom we have young children and the other is someone I was recently dating. I tried to bring up a concern and our communication seems to have devolved.
I recently read something on attachment styles and think that these people both might have an avoidant attachment style. That may be, but I still have feelings of hurt and feel unsure about what actions to take.
In many areas of my life, I might feel fearful or anxious and step forward anyway with vulnerability, sharing, connecting, etc. This usually works pretty well.
However in these two instances, I question my actions because it doesn’t seem like my vulnerability, openness, communication is met, appreciated, or accepted. It might even be perceived negatively. I feel as if I have good intentions, but those sometimes seem to be misunderstood. I seek to clarify – not aggressively so in my mind. I give space between communications, listen quietly while they talk, try to understand them, express what is in my heart – continue to search for better ways of doing that.

I believe my options are to simply give up trying, give up hopes/wishes for the relationship, to be heard/seen/understood or to understand them. That might sound like, “They don’t have to understand, I do.” OR “It’s okay for them to be wrong about me.” Both of these end in separation which doesn’t feel good to me. So maybe I need to tell myself, “It’s okay to be separated from some people.” ???
I think I tell myself this in friendships, so I don’t feel such sting in friendships when this happens, which I’m sure it has, but I feel it a lot when it happens in an intimate relationship.

Maybe, “separation is a part of life”? When I tell myself this, I feel a little bit better.

I notice myself feeling self-conscious even in writing this that I will be judged, labeled, classified as someone that others don’t want to be with because this happened with these two men. I have two ex BF’s who I am still friends with in a nice way that seems to work for both of us, and several ex’s that I do not have contact with and I rarely think about. So it is not a universal, but it is really bothering me right now in these two situations. I feel as if I don’t know or understand the thoughts the other person is having – leaves me in …dun, dun, dun… “confusion.” Ugh!
And fear. I didn’t used to feel that I had to have “the talk” in relationships, but now I’m more driven to… maybe because my husband and I were on different pages and I didn’t know it, or some other reason.

I feel as if I am trying to figure myself out and “what is wrong with me” so I can fix it. Am I harassing them? Then stop. Am I not sharing? Then share. Am I not listening, then listen. I just don’t know what the problem is and feel discouraged and hurt.