What tool do I use?

What tool should I use to deal with trying to change and doing well but losing it. I was not an example of what is possible. I am trying so hard but failed. Went back to normal brain patterns. Yes I know failure happens but I am so confused in my marriage. How do you believe in it so so hard. I feel like I am trying but am listening to his nasty words about me and feel I lost commitment. I was taking massive action but was called a fake and believed it. How do you not believe it when your mind was so used to listening and reacting. I am thinking maybe this is what I needed. Failure so I can get up.