When believing a new thought feels like negligence.

My son is 17. He still lives at home and does self-paced school at home. He works full time on the weekends and one night a week. I’m worried sick about him because he hangs out with a group of boys ages 17-19 who are all troubled. Do I know this for sure? No, it’s a thought my brain offers me hourly, every day. The facts – one friend is 18 and has his own appt with another guy. My son and a few other guys hang out there. Since school got out, my son has stayed the night there several times. I’ve lost count but he’s there far more than he is here. I did a TDL this morning and a couple of models. I’d LOVE to believe my intentional model because I feel so much better when I do and I know it would change the relationship with my son. But it also feels like believing that thought is negligent on my part as a mother.

C. My son stayed at Grant’s last night.
T. He’s hanging around other troubled boys and they are a bad influence.
F. Scared
A. Obsess with thoughts, ruminating on past events, predicting the worse possible future, losing sleep, try and control him with rules he doesn’t follow.
R. I’m becoming my own bad influence.

C. My son stayed at Grant’s last night.
T. How lucky he is to have a great group of friends to hang out with.
F. Grateful.
A. Commend him for taking care of the house while we were gone, getting his school work done, enjoying what time we do have together.
R. Becoming the best version of myself by putting the focus back on me and my work, not him and his.

I’m struggling to find a way to stop ruminating about him, predicting all the things that may never happen which causes me to suffer and lose sleep, without putting my head in the sand, pretending that this is okay.