Thank you for the response.
The explanations of reacting vs vs. allowing finally clicked.
So basically any actions in response to emotions are reactions. Whereas the act of allowing processing is passive, i.e. observing allowing.
I have observed the reactions happen so quickly that my brain has me thinking that the reactions were part of the feeling process.
Are you suggesting that by experimenting by sitting and going inward eventually I will have some control to slow down and stop the reaction?
When I am angry it is like a motor running my body too fast, and I want to get out of my own skin, It is like there is monster inside. If around others I have to get away, for example at work I would go to my car and yell if I needed to. But I am seeing now how that is the anger controlling me. As I have gotten older I can tolerate much more before I get to this point. But it’s still there. If I can slow down and not react that would be a game changer.
I have tried sitting a few times and I don’t feel any bodily sensations, or perceive color or texture. After a while I just feel sad and want to curl up in ball.
the question was posed : “What do you think it would look like for you to care deeply for yourself by allowing your emotions?”
This question is not resonating with me. I don’t know what that looks like. Even pondering the question feels irritating, too esoteric, like grasping water.
I am not connecting caring deeply => to allowing emotions.
I don’t know if I ever thought about caring deeply for myself in an emotional way.
If I had friend who could see me, not judge me, and understand I was, tired, frustrated, hurting and that I was doing my best despite that and tell me it was ok-that would make me feel like they cared deeply.
I don’t yet see how I can give that to myself. I have journaled on that, talked to myself, but it feels like I am trying to con myself.
For where I am now, I don’t think I am caring for myself at all. I am hurting myself with the consequences of my anger, and sometimes pushing away people I care about.