When it’s your own kid.

I wrote a month ago. Because of complications with her husband’s anxiety issues, my daughter (who we have always had an easy, happy, great relationship) was not allowed to communicate with me before the birth of her first child, (the only communication I did receive were texts meant to be hurtful from her husband, who took control of my daughter’s phone for that time) and for almost a month after that. We have since met at a public location and I was allowed to hold the baby and visit with my daughter for about 30 minutes.

This is the most insane thing I could have ever imagined happening in my life. I have no past reference for something like this. All my and my daughter’s plans for when she was going to have her first baby were always about being there, and helping, and having her little sister come and visit and help with the baby….

So my questions: This has caused an identity crisis. I don’t know what it is I want to be or do. My life has really been wrapped up in the joy of family and family time and the happiness of becoming a Grandma. Now I can’t even think about being a Grandma without having to revisit the sadness, anger, and hopelessness cycle. When I try to think of “blowing my own mind,” I feel like -Why? How can I separate this out so I can just let this be, and still get on with my own life? And raising the rest of my kids? It makes my brain say “quit homeschooling, quit putting everything you have in to mothering, it obviously doesn’t matter anyway.” I know it does matter, and I know that the rest of my children didn’t do anything to now deserve a mother who “doesn’t care” about them. And writing this now sounds so ridiculous. I don’t know how to get through this deep grief and move forward. I just want to lay in bed and watch Gossip Girl all day. So Pathetic.