Hey there wonderful Brooke and team!
My husband yells at me frequently. (And the kids… whole ‘nother topic I suppose).
When he yells at me, I feel small, fear, shame, and anger.
In the past, I’ve tried setting a boundary saying “when you yell, I will leave the conversation.” And I do stick to that, so now he doesn’t all out yell anymore. He says he is just “raising his voice”.
My reaction feels so GUT level, even when he is just using a loud-ish raised voice with a mean attitude. Like before I even have time to think, I feel tears welling up sometimes. It reminds me of when I was a kid getting disciplined. I wish that I could not be so sensitive, but I have even had sort of panic attacks after a couple of our arguments that escalated to him yelling at me.
I want to do thought work around this and not be so sensitive to getting yelled at.
But I also want to set a boundary. Currently, I stop talking and sort of ignore my husband when he raises his voice to me. But then it sort of turns into me ignoring him purposely, and acting sulky waiting for him to notice or apologize (which he doesn’t do!). I want to love him unconditionally, even when he yells at me. But I also want him to stop.
I am not really sure if this warrants a firm boundary, or just thought work.
Here’s a model:
C hubby raises his voice at me
T he’s yelling at me, I HATE THIS
A withdrawal, silence
R I think about him yelling at me and how much I hate it and want him to not do it anymore.
C hubby “raises his voice” at me
T why is he so defensive!
F anger, defensiveness
A withdrawal, silence, or sometimes my own “voice raising”
R We both raise our voice at each other, and I hate it
C hubby yells at me
A Set firm boundary AND love him, without pause
R Communication that doesn’t involve frequent yelling
All my love,