Original Model Last year:
C- I woke up to find my (platonic but opposite sex) roommate looking into my bedroom while I was asleep
T- “My roommate/ living space is unsafe”
F- Dread & Panic
A- Barricade self inside room with a security bar (lack of going into kitchen/ public rooms)
R: Nutritional problems and intense stress levels
I have been able to change the A- to include going into the public spaces now by changing my thoughts from dread & panic (fear) to anger
C: Searching for a new apartment
T: “Fuck this, I am out of here”
F: Anger, disgust, resentment
A: Going about business in the kitchen, pretending he isn’t there.
R: Better nutrition less stress, same level of strain
I know the next step is to really ask myself whether feeling anger and resentment really serves me in my life… but I find that right now? Like 100% honestly? There is a VERY big part of me that actually WANTS to be angry with him. As a buffer. As a punishment, as whatever. I know eventually the next level is maybe thoughts that lead to “indifference” and hopefully eventually forgiveness (or at least compassion) But I am not ready to do that yet. Is there a huge problem with deciding on purpose to stay angry with someone?