I am struggling right now. I am 95lbs over my ideal weight or the weight I want to be. I realize that I keep going back to the past. I am not content with my current self and do not like my physical body. I know I have to love myself where I am in order to move forward, but I just feel like I cannot accept my body as it is. I am at the point where I feel like I should not be where I am. I am disappointed and feel shame, anger at times, and disgust about my body. I don’t have a deeper why, it’s more superficial or selfish. I want to look sexy /not just feel sexy when I look in the mirror. I know you can feel sexy at any size, and I do see sexy plus-size models all the time. For me though, I know what I looked like before and I keep getting stuck there.
I have this image in my mind of what I want to look like and my reflection does not fit that. My physical body has been through a lot and I hate how it is now. I cannot feel the love for what it looks like. I love what it has been able to do for me and can do, but I hate its appearance. How can I work on this, what area in scholars can you refer me to do deeper work here? Maybe in the past, I’m not sure. I know what to do to lose the weight but I allow my thoughts and feeling to self-sabotage and get in the way almost 100% of the time.