I lost my father some ten days ago and after being with my siblings and mom for a week of mourning, we each went back to our lives and jobs.
They all work for other people while I am a screenwriter and am having the luxury of having the financial support of my husband while I am writing my portfolio.
Since I returned home a week ago I have been deflated, crying almost every day, overeating, and cannot find any motivation even to have a conversation with my husband.
I don’t take any phone calls, don’t want to see friends, don’t want to dress up for the day, just nothing.
I want to be able to get back on my feet, buckle up, get on protocol, channel my grief to writing, but a part of me thinks that doing that will mean distracting from really processing grief. That part also criticizes these wants and says – what will other people think if they see that you are so motivated and passionate about life when you just lost your husband?
While my siblings and mom all went back to work and daily necessary activities, I still report of “no show” to my work and life.
I tried to ask myself – if I look back six months from now, how I would want to see myself having dealt with this grief?
And a part of me says – Oh, I channeled it to writing and wrote two amazing screenplays, I lost all the extra weight, and I started running in the mornings.
And yet another part thinks it’s wrong to be so motivated and full of life when my father just died in such tragic circumstances. That part thinks it’s not normal to be happy so soon, motivated and upbeat.
The latter part sounds like it just wants to stay under the blankets and watch Netflix and eat. Sounds like my lower brain, only it says this is a worthy cause – that this is how people with feelings behave when someone they love passed away.
Also, in my Jewish religion, which I observe, there are 30 days of mourning where I am not allowed to do anything joyous, followed by 11 months of not attending parties, weddings, shows, or even listen to music.
What I don’t know is which part to listen to. What if being depressed means this is a healthy human way to deal with grief? What if it’s just my lower brain jumping on the opportunity?