Why am I doing this to myself pt 2


I have been thinking about the very helpful ask a coach reply from my question earlier in the week,

“Rather than judging yourself for wanting him to contact you, for responding, and for wanting to see him, what if you were just curious about it?
What is the reward your brain might be getting from this situation?
When you understand (without judgement) what those perceived rewards are, then we can have some compassion for why it feels dangerous to walk away from it.
From an objective, open, and curious space, spend some time doing a specific Thought Download about why his words and actions are important to you and what you are making them mean.”

My brain gets a short lived dopamine hit every time I hear from this person, and it’s an even more intense dopamine hit when they flatter me (this is where I judge myself because I then believe I am shallow!) then I am distracted for the rest of the day because I can’t stop thinking about them. It feels dangerous to walk away because I feel like I ‘need’ to be desired to be worthy.

Deep down my gut knows it would never work, I would never trust him and he lies. So why do I continue to pursue this line of thought and obsession?
I have two different thoughts going on:

1. This is amazing, we could be really happy, we get on so well, maybe this is meant to be, why else would this have gone on for 1.5 years
2. (this one is buried deeper) He lies and is very good at it, I would never trust him, do I even like him or is this just a terrible habit that is really engrained and maybe I only like him because I like that he treats me badly and because he is very masculine

I know exactly why I do it and I think that adds to the frustration, I do it because I do not think I am enough, intellectually I understand that I am doing this because deep down I do not believe that I am ‘enough’. and I am constantly seeking external validation, I really want to generate this validation internally but I do not feel as if I am making progress with this?