Why am I doing this to myself?


I am in a relationship and I think I’m happy, just over a year ago someone who is married begun to pursue me, even though he knew I had a partner he went out of his way to find my details and to contact me. After some time we got very close, nothing physical ever happened, but we would talk all the time and although nothing physical happened, I know it is not okay and I feel like an awful person.

He has narcissistic traits and I am an empath, he did what most narcs do in the beginning- he love bombed me. Now he picks me up, drops me, ignores me, tells me I am amazing, ignores me, won’t stop talking to me, then ignores me some more. I feel like I can’t deal with it but I keep going back for more.

During lock down we did not speak much at all, he seemed totally disinterested and I know it’s for the best, so left him to it. I know it’s for the best but found it so hard every day. We started talking again recently. I thought he might reach out as it’s approaching the time when we might see each other (which is where we met). I did what I always do, within 2 minutes I’ve chosen to ignore the fact he has treated me like rubbish , and I’m offering to help him with something, he doesn’t accept the help and he doesn’t even reply. Then I feel like such a fool and I feel like all those months I was working on myself during lock down have been wasted, I went straight back to letting him chat me up, the ignore me.

I hate myself for it but I actually do not know how to stop myself, I don’t want to want to see him (but I really do want to see him) and I don’t want to want his approval. I really hate myself for the whole situation, but I find myself craving the highs of when we see each other, it has become part of my life, but the lows are pretty common and I spend so much time thinking about the situation. I feel stuck in a loop.
I have been trying to work on self love but I feel like I am banging my head against a brick wall. Why would I want this person to objectify me and pick me up and drop me? I don’t understand, and I feel like because I am happy when he objectifies me that there must be something intrinsically wrong with me.