Why am I Stuck When I Know Better?

I feel that the more I understand how my brain works and learn about the model, I seem to be more resistant to change. I feel more stuck.

For example, a month or so ago, I joined a vegan health and exercise program. I’m paying thousands of dollars for this program where there is awesome support available to me. My diet and exercise program is customized just for me and my fitness goals; I have a personal coach at my fingertips whenever I need her. And, I have never felt more resistance in my life to not doing it. It’s like my will has just left me alone. I buffer beyond belief. I mean hours of just watching videos. Whatever this breakthrough is for me, is going to be huge because it feels like a weight on me that is begging for me to figure it out. I have never felt this way about such resistance to do what I know is best for me.

Unintentional model:
C: I paid $3200 for a vegan fitness program; the exercise & diet regime is customized for me; my coach meets with me weekly
T: I’m not really a vegan, I love salmon and fish, I shouldn’t have joined the program, it’s a pain in the ass to get up early to exercise, you will wake everyone up when you get up that early, it’s too dark to run in the mornings, You don’t have time to do it in the evenings, it’s not safe to run in the dark, I don’t feel like taking measurements and taking pictures, I lost the weight and didn’t feel any different anyway so why would I do all of that, I’m fake because I’m not vegan, the food looks disgusting in the picture they take and post on line, I don’t like posting online, I used to love tofu and now I don’t so much anymore, I eat pescatarian, you should leave the program because you are not vegan.
F: dread
A: I’m not consistent, I don’t put in the measurements, I don’t follow the meal plan, I don’t post on the FB page, I’m not honest with my coach, I led her to believe that even though I’m not consistent yet I know what to do to figure it out because “I am coach”. I lead her to believe I am committed to being a vegan.
R: I’m not achieving the goals I said I wanted

Intentional Model:

C: I paid $3200 for a vegan fitness program; the exercise & diet regime is customized for me; my coach meets with me weekly
T: I’m willing to try things that I think will help me reach my goals and sometimes those things don’t work out, it’s ok that things are not easy, you are learning all kinds of new things about yourself, you are creating opportunities for you to grow into who you really are, I love that I try new things and are motivated to find my greatest clarity, my greatest fun, my greatest purpose. God is guiding me and I wouldn’t have purchased this program if I should not have. Anything that should not happen, didn’t happen. Any thing that should happens, happens.
F: Courageous
A: Be honest with my coach, say what I think, be loving to myself and respectful of my coach and her time
R: Healthy, vibrant

After doing the model above, I realize that I am not resistant to change, I am resistant to doing the models. I feel like in such a better place after creating the unintentional and intentional models above then I did when I first started to post this question. I know now that I need to be honest with my coach and have the thoughts that I am exactly where I am supposed to be in my health and fitness journey and I absolutely made the right decision to purchase and it probably has nothing to do with being vegan. But, it does have everything to do with being honest.

This was very good! 🙂